last bit of sanity

Most people are now aware that October is breast cancer awareness month….pink is everywhere! And that is an incredible accomplishment–who thought it would ever be widely proclaimed “save the ta-tas”?! But, that is not my focus this month.  My focus is on an issue that people still prefer not to talk about even though so many people are touched by it somehow.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month.

I talk about my foursome in a sometimes flip and sarcastic way, but make no mistake that I love them and would do anything for them. People see us out and assume that it was easy as pie for us to have kids and that is not the case.  We spent a couple of years going through tests, procedures and a lot of anxious waiting. We were thrilled when our first artificial insemination worked! Over the moon…told everyone, started picking out names, planning the nursery. Out of our minds excited. And then that all came crashing down when I miscarried at 13 weeks.  I was supposed to be in the ‘safe zone’. I had just gotten released from the specialist to start seeing my regular OB doctor. Everything was supposed to work out perfectly from that point on.

Little did I know what I was facing.  Never in my life have I experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows in such a short amount of time. Devastation doesn’t even begin to cover the feelings I was going through. And the hardest part is that I wasn’t alone.  So many other people go through the same thing, but no one wants to talk about it.  Or no one knows what to say. Some people try to say the right things, but I promise hearing ‘it wasn’t in God’s plan” isn’t what someone wants to hear when they are feeling so much pain. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to think that my God doesn’t intentionally inflict pain on people. But, maybe that’s just me? I do strongly believe that there is a reason for everything, even if it takes a while to figure it out.

As heartbreaking as my miscarriage was, my eyes have opened even wider to the grief mothers go through when they lose a baby, no matter what stage or age. I have had too many people close to me lose a child through miscarriage (sometime one after another), stillbirth or infant loss. I am in tears thinking about all of that pain and sadness, all those lost dreams and hopes, all those missing hugs and kisses. Nothing takes the pain away. It might not be as strong as it once was, but it is always a part of my soul.  I wish more people would talk about it and acknowledge the hurt. My thoughts are with all families who live with this reality everyday. Many virtual (((HUGS))) are coming your way!

This morning, as I was walking and trying to clear my head, a song by The Apache Relay came on that really grabbed me. It’s called Lost Kid and the lyrics are fitting:

Sometimes I feel like I’m just a lost kid,
stumbling through these towns,
stuck between the waves.
Nothing feels the same.

I need an anchor that never lets go,
I need someone to call, hear a voice I know.
Something that feels like home.
Something that feels like home.

All my life, all my life, all my life I’ve been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I’ve been waiting for You

I’ve been searching all of my days, looking for any signs, reading between the lines, hoping for anything.
I’ve been living in this tension, I just pretend I’m fine, that everythings ok, but I’m about to break.
Yeah Im about to break

All my life, all my life, all my life I’ve been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I’ve been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I’ve been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I’ve been waiting for You

Here is another gem from the Nashville-based group.  I love the line ‘souls can not, souls cannot be fooled’.  They have recently hit a lot of people’s radars, including Mumford & Sons (they published their playlist and The Apache Relay is on it!). Lucky for those of you in Louisville tonight…you can catch them opening for G.Love and Special Sauce at Headliners.  I know where I will be!!